Thank God I'm not holding the pen! A journey through my latest pregnancy loss...

WARNING: It's a long one. ;) And I realize it's transparent. Just can't help but think that maybe there is someone out there that needs to hear my story. We aren't ever alone.

These past couple weeks will forever be etched in my memory. They were weeks of intense joy, intense heartache, and the feeling of complete emptiness. As I look back over my life it's been a good one, a really good one. I have some of the most beautiful memories of a great childhood, I have a wonderful husband, and amazing kids! However, it is seasoned with tough events here and there, the memories of those times always come rushing in like a flood when I hear certain songs, smell certain fragrances or think of certain people. The memories still bring a sting when they come to visit. Friends passing in high school, PawPaw passing away, hearing for the first time that my Dad had cancer, miscarriage 1, miscarriage 2, ectopic pregnancy 1, and currently ectopic pregnancy 2. 

Life can certainly offer some tough blows. Some of the seasons start bad but end well. For example, hearing the words "cancer" and "dad" in the same sentence left me barely able to stand for a few moments. The blow was hard, but the outcome was miraculous. Dad is cancer free to this day and has hiked the entire AT since his battle. I know, he's amazing. So is God. We prayed, and prayed and asked for God to do this thing and He did it. He's just that good. 
Some of the other tough blows life gives start out bad, and let's face it they end just as bad if not worse. For example, I don't know why young people die. You expect older people to pass, but not kids. Even my PawPaw, he was older, but he was also a faithful preacher man. Stomach cancer had it's way with him, and he is ultimately healed in the presence of Jesus- it just wasn't how I wanted it done, nor how I thought it should be done. Guess that's why I am not the one holding the "pen" of my life. 

You see I've entrusted the "pen" of my life to God. It's a tiny little pen, in a massive, strong hand. The most wonderful part of it is that of all the amazing authors I have read over time, He is the best. God's stories are beautiful. They are full of such great joy, and such great sorrow. As with any author when they are writing a story- He knows what's coming next. It never takes Him by surprise. As the main character in this beautiful novel He is writing sometimes I feel like I should have a say, you know, determine how certain situations will end. However, since I have entrusted Him with the pen, I have to trust Him with every situation that I face. 

It all started the beginning of May when my female enemy decided to not show up for her monthly visit. An overwhelming sense of excitement flooded my heart because I just knew what was up...
Deep breath...
Take the test...
Wait for result...
Double lines...
Squeal with excitement...
Panic a nano second because I have to give birth again...
Excitement returns...
Call my sister! 
That's pretty much how that joyous moment played out. D and I were on the fence about wanting a 4th bambino and although this caught us by surprise it was good confirmation that 3 was just not enough for us! We were thrilled. 

We have had our last two babies here at home so the usual way of doing things is waiting until I am about 10 weeks along and calling my midwife up to schedule an appointment. This go round we were so anxious to start announcing I thought an early ultrasound would be fun. I am able to schedule early ultrasounds because of having an ectopic in the past, I am considered at higher risk. We made our appointment and on Wednesday headed to the doctors office first thing. What turned out to be one of the hardest parts of the day...we decided to take the kids along. You may be wondering if I regret that decision, but I don't. I'll try to explain more of why as I go along. 

I lay there on the table watching the screen and the look on the tech's face. I knew in my gut that something was off, I just couldn't open my mouth to ask what. I didn't want to hear what she had to say...so I just waited in silence. Finally, D spoke up and said, "So what should we be seeing? Because I'm not really seeing anything." That's when she answered, "Yeah, me either." 
**heart sinks**
We waited for the doctor to talk to us, stressed, worried, scared, and trying to stay composed because the kids were there. Finally he came in and said it's one of two things- your dates are off, and you are earlier then you thought, or, it's an ectopic. There is no signs of a pregnancy in the uterus. The next few days were compiled of moments of faith and hope, and moments of sadness and fear. I relied a lot on my faith and scripture to get me through. It was day after day of HCG testing only to watch it rise, then fall, then very slowly start to rise again. The bleeding started on Friday night, but still no pain. By Monday I had had 4 doctors very sternly tell me that Methotrexate was the only obvious, smart way to proceed. I couldn't wrap my head around taking a chemo shot to terminate my pregnancy when they couldn't 100% tell me that it was ectopic. I mean what if I was just earlier then what I originally thought? I don't determine what lives and what dies. I'm not holding the pen. When it all began I know very clearly that God spoke to me and said "wait on ME". He had allowed me to become pregnant and He would have the final say on how this all played out. 

My faith was strengthening day by day. I literally was living moment to moment, reminding myself of God's promises and that my faith is not in what I see. If I am completely honest, I just knew God was working a miracle. I couldn't wait to shout from the roof tops that the doctors wanted to terminate, but I waited on the Lord, and look what He did! There were moments that I was strong, and I feel so blessed because when the times came that I couldn't be strong D and my friends and family surrounded me and held me up. I've discovered that I have a fabulous support system, and for that I am beyond grateful. 

Thursday evening I had intense pain come over me, and I knew we needed to head to the hospital. We called in our help and we headed on our way. I didn't know what was happening, I just prayed as I rode along. D was focused, and determined to get us where we needed to be- I found myself staring at him and the concern on his face. Another area of life that I am blessed in. He loves me deeply and I know it. We arrived and to make a long story short, I was in emergency surgery at 4 am. I had a significant amount of internal bleeding, and the doctor was beyond shocked that I was not in more pain then what I was. (My first ectopic was horrifically painful- I blacked out and don't even remember arriving at the hospital.) Totally an act of God there. I'm so thankful that He was merciful to me, and kept me right in the palm of His hand. During that surgery not only did they have to take our baby, but they also had to take my tube. Not exactly the way I would have written this story, but again- I'm not nearly the author that my heavenly father is. So I guess I write all this to say a few things: (let's see if I can narrow it down- my mind is so full and racing.)

1. I don't regret having my children walk through this process with me. It's ok for them to see D and I grieve. To know that we have feelings to, and sometimes things hurt, and we don't always understand. The true beauty is found in allowing them to watch us trust in and depend on God, fully. We've all heard we can allow situations to make us bitter or better. I always want to be better. I want to teach my kids that, too. 

2. I don't regret not taking the Methotrexate. The decision of life and death is not in my hands. It's in God's. I trust Him fully with my life, and the life of my children, those born and those unborn. I refuse to be driven by fear rather then faith. I refuse to take matters into my own hands, and rob God of the chance to show His stuff. Methotrexate was never an option. You see those rapid growing cells weren't something bad like cancer- they were my baby. Doctors may say tissue, but to us, it had a name. We dreamed big dreams for that baby, and loved it immensely. 

3. Yes, I still love God. Yes, I believe He does miracles. Yes, I know He does all things well. I am not of the mind set that God "took" my baby. God is good- however sin is in this world. We will have pain, we will have hard times, and we won't always understand why. I do know that nothing comes to me that hasn't already passed through His sovereign hands, and there is great comfort in that. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I did believe for a miracle, and I really did believe that it was going to happen. It didn't, and I don't understand. That's ok though, God doesn't owe me an explanation. I can just rest in His love and the wonderful promise that I will hold all my angel babies again one day. Heaven just gets sweeter and sweeter. 

4. Yes, we still want another baby. We will try again. (and we will have fun trying!!! HA!) By the grace of God we will conceive and will carry out a healthy pregnancy. I figure if God has four, it's only fair that we do too. ;) If you want to know a secret, I am actually praying for twins! ...Don't tell D. 

5. Our lives are much like the labor and delivery process, just when you think you can't take anymore you put forth one last push and you have a beautiful gift. Just like when silver meets the heat, the dross is removed and all that's left is pure and beautiful. These heated moments in our lives are opportunities to purge those yucky things inside. Moments to look within ourselves, and see what we are truly made of. I choose to live in victory. I choose to rise above. Depression has no place in my life. Fear has no place in my life. Self-pity, no place. It might be hard at times, but I know that God does all things well. I know that He is working, and writing and He is making something beautiful out of me. I don't always know the next step. I don't have to though. I trust Him. Completely. 

6. Lastly, if you've lost babies to miscarriage or ectopic pregnancies, you've lost a child. No, you haven't held them in you arms- but from the moment you see that positive test you think of names, you dream dreams, and you imagine your belly growing full of life. Allow yourself time to grieve. It's ok to grieve. (I wish someone would have told me that a lot sooner!)

So here's the fun part...trying to resume life as normal. That's the thing about life's hard blows- other then your close friends and family, no one else was effected so life goes on as normal. I feel like I'm walking next to a moving sidewalk...everyone else is zooming along, and I'm coming along slowly. I'm not brave enough to step on that moving sidewalk yet, but I am still moving. The time will come and I'll get back on soon. After all there's so much more He is writing to this story of mine...

Lot of Love.